"we don't rebuild, we reload"

 Lawrence is the prefect place to rebuild the connections that everyone needs in their life.
When I left my religion, I also left a culture that many non Mormons have never experienced or will ever really understand.
 97% of my friends are Mormon and so leaving the religion meant that I was going to lose the majority of friendships that I had.
Although most of my Mormon friends don't shun me when they see me in public, I don't hear from them anymore.
There is a conscious feeling for LDS folks that those that leave are "apostates" and that it's best to stay away from them for fear that you yourself might also be "persuaded to leave." I know this feeling because I felt that way once. But like I said, Lawrence is a great town to start over and rebuild connections that you have lost. Luckily for me, my best friend lives here and she has been awesome about helping me rebuild those connections.

 Fall is already here in Larryville and we've been super blessed to have some amazing colors on our trees. Angela and I walked by South Park this week and this beauty in red just stood out.
Trees have amazing energy and power in them.
I remember when I first arrived in Austria in 2001 and a teacher I was staying with took us on a hike. She stopped randomly during the hike and went over to a tree and put her arms around it.
It wasn't until this summer that I realized why people do that. Nature holds immense power and we can tap into it. We can draw from it when we feel weak or feel a loss of connection with ourselves and the world we live in.

Courtney and Angela enjoying a beautiful Sunday afternoon downtown.

The luminescent Courtney is such an  inspiration, spiritual guide, healer, mother of wisdom,light and energy for me. And she's an awesome friend and sister. We love to burn stuff and gather round the fire.
Together with Big Jimmers, Johners, Matt, Franny, Jakers and Robbers, it's been such an amazing journey into my new life. 

I get to babysit this lil cutie..Chester Copperpot- Angela and Jake's puppy

Jake the Snake

Transformation

My new life was the beginning of my transformation. I started making significant changes in how I lived my life and what I did with my time.
To start with, I began a physical transformation. I started exercising a lot. Instead of going to church each Sunday for 3 hours, I started going to yoga class and spending time in nature.  I got a personal trainer and started the journey of getting physically in shape again. I also went Vegetarian because I was having trouble with meat.  If you follow my other blog, http://beckydoesglutenfree.blogspot.com/  you will see that I also do a lot of cooking. So, I started cooking more and sharing  my creation with others who appreciate and need good gluten free food and recipes.    
                                                      

East Lawrence 

I like to go on bike rides and walks. I feel a lot of power and energy from nature.

I also started camping a lot over the weekends this summer. The weather was awesome! I've had a great time camping with friends at Bloomington and Clinton lake.

South Park-Lawrence

South Park -Lawrence

Potter Lake- KU campus

the stages

 Most people who leave the LDS church go through "stages". This is a naturally occurring process that happens when people leave something that was such a big part of their life. It can happen with divorce, a death in the family or when leaving a religion.

The stages that I went through and am still going through are similar to those below (given by another Ex Mormon on this website). http://www.rationalrevelation.com/library/stagescultrecovery.html

Stage 1: Developing a Conceptual Framework
Understanding Trauma - I had to come to terms with the fact that I had actually left my religion of 35 years. I had done it quickly, so "the bandaid was ripped off" really fast. I had chosen to "rip the bandaid off" , but I still have to stop sometimes and remind myself how I got to this point.

Thought Reform-  This involved the de-coding of  "the guilt cycle". The LDS church teaches you to feel guilty when you break the rules of its doctrine. By doing so, you never really feel worthy or good enough. You do something "wrong", then repent, then do better, then fall short and the the cycle starts over again.  It demands close to perfection. This is probably the reason why I'd often see this "down trodden" look on members' faces when I went to church each Sunday. Three hours Sunday meetings, Pre Sunday committee meetings, after church meetings, Sunday Choir practice, weekly meetings, Monthly visits to members' houses, monthly trips to the temple, etc. 
It is physically exhausting being in this religion. Many people can't physically, emotionally or mentally keep up.

Stage Two: Grieving, Reconciliation, and Reaching Out

Regaining Purpose- I had to discover what my new purpose in this life was. This isn't a simple thing to tackle. It is ongoing...
The Need for Reconciliation- This is when I reached out to people who had left the church before me. I reached out to them knowing that I no longer judged them for this action.  Friendships are being rebuilt because of this.

The Request for Information- This is when I went on PostMormon and started to read about other doctrinal reasons why people leave the LDS church.

The Need for Support- I was lucky to have several family members and friends who were also PostMormon and they've been a great support system for me. But, leaving the church is very lonely and so that's why it's been important for me to meet new people and build new friendships. Some people also join ExMormon or PostMormon websites so they can ask questions, express their feelings and gain support from a community of people who know what they are going through.

Seeking True Spirituality- I've had to step back and really be honest with myself about what I truly believe now. This is ongoing, but for now, I still believe in God/Jesus. I also believe in the power of nature and the universe. I've had several amazing experiences outside of religion that have showed me the power of nature and the power we have inside ourselves. 

Rescuing Others- I don't really have a strong desire to try and save others, but when people asked me why I left, I do give them a long and detailed account of what I discovered. The posts on the blog are also for people who want to know why I left. 

Stage Two involved anger and grief. You feel angry that you were manipulated and lied to. You also may get angry at yourself and feel regret that you didn't discover the truth earlier. These are feelings that can continue to go on in a cycle. This is something that I hope to move past..in time. They do cycle back for me and so I've learned to try and replace those feelings with gratitude. Being grateful for this new life and my discovery has helped me to move past the anger.

Stage Three: Reintegration into Society

Positives of the Cult Experience- Many people mention the good things they've taken away from the LDS church. This is the same for me. The emphasis on family relationships is one. Also, taking responsibility for my life and my actions and being kind to others are just some of the things I've taken away.

  
Recovery of the Whole Self-  This is something that is ongoing. But it involves being honest about who I really am as a person. It involves acting on those realizations and not apologizing for the truth of who I am.

The Self Commitment- To me, this has involved being honest about the possibility that my spiritual views could change in the future. It's a commitment to not be manipulated again and to seek out the truth in the things that matter the most to me. 

Recovery of the Practical- This means that even though I am free now to behave as I want, I know there are consequences to my actions. This is just common sense and no religion has claims on this reality. There will always be cause and effect. That's part of life.

Recognition of Sexuality and Intimate Relations- This is also ongoing. For now, I identity as being being Bisexual. This is something I realized about myself shortly after deciding to leave the LDS church. This part of the stage also entails me deciding what kind of moral code I will follow when it comes to my sexuality. I believe that this is a personal choice that everyone should make. I don't judge others for their personal choice, as long as they aren't harming another human being..either physically or psychologically.

 

leaving

By the middle of May, I was ready to resign from the LDS church. There were, however, some things that I had to face before that happened.
          
 At the time, I was going to the same ward (congregation) as my youngest sister. In order to spare her the ward gossip that would likely follow the news of me leaving the church, I decided it would be best for me to change wards. Due to the KC temple being open and dedicated in May, I had to wait until regular church services were in session again before I could tell my Bishop that I wanted to move to a family ward. Some people may think I was a coward, but I didn't want my Bishop to blame himself for me leaving the church, so I didn't tell him my intentions.
When church services were in session again, I told him I wanted to change to a family ward and told him that it was time for me to leave the University ward. I deeply respected my Bishop at the time and I still do. He was somewhat liberal for an LDS Bishop and I always admired him for that and for doing what was right by his ward members. He is sincere and loving and I consider him to be a true and faithful Christian man.
        
 At the end of May, I  went to the family ward and spoke with a member of the ward bishopric and asked him to transfer my records there. The weeks following that were spent telling several family members that I planned to leave the church.
    
By the beginning of June, I had told several of my siblings, but I hadn't told my parents yet.
I was very afraid of what my parents would say when I told them I planned to leave the LDS church. I knew some people who had been shunned by their family when they left the LDS church. I didn't think this would happen to me, but I knew that my relationship with my parents would never really be the same once I told them of my decision.

In the early morning (around 2 am) on June 7th, I emailed my Mom and Dad. In the most heartfelt and honest way I could, I told them my decision to leave the church. To date, it is the hardest letter or email I've ever written. I was fortunate that they responded that same day. I knew they would disagree with my decision, and they did. But they also gave me assurance that they would continue to support me in whatever manner I need support in. To this date, my parents have continued to support me emotionally and when I need it, financially. To this date they have not picked a fight with me about my decision. They have continued to show me love and I am truly lucky that this has been the outcome as far as my relationship with them is concerned.

One of my parents did say in their email, that they didn't believe I could really be happy without the LDS church. This statement hurt me the most out of all of their words.
This to me is evidence of how the LDS indoctrinates their members to believe that no one can truly be happy unless they are LDS. They assume that they can read the minds of every person on the earth and assume that those people are really unhappy. The problem with this is that no one has the right to tell another person that they "aren't really happy."  Unless they've invented a way to read people's minds...I know that this kind of doctrine and belief is not only false, but extremely psychologically damaging. 
True believers of the Christian religion know that their happiness comes from the acceptance of Jesus Christ, not from an organization. 

It is also hypocritical for an organization to tell non members that they can't be happy unless they join the organization when...that organization isn't truthful about the complete history and origin of its doctrine/beliefs. 

So once I had told my parents, I was was ready to officially resign from the LDS church. I sent my resignation letter to Salt Lake City the week of June 10th by certified mail. I received the confirmation that it had been signed and delivered on June 14th.

June 14th- the day I was set free from lies, betrayal, and hypocrisy. This day and many days afterwards were extremely joyous for me. I felt a wonderful feeling of freedom, joy, happiness and endless possibilities for my life.

This summer was the beginning of my new life.

I was free to act, think, believe, and respond according to the "dictates of my own conscious"(to steal a phrase from Joseph Smith). 

It was the beginning of de-coding many of the thoughts, reactions and behaviors that I had been taught for the past 35 years. Also, it was the beginning of "the stages" that most ex Mormons go through.

 

the Journey begins..

The Journey that led to my new life continued throughout the month of April.

I am a pretty impatient person when it comes to getting the answers I need on topics that deeply affect me. I spend many long days and nights gathering all the data I needed to get answers to my questions about my religion.

 As I read what LDS scholars had to say about the similarities and differences between Masons and  the LDS Temple, the FAIR.org website would post other issues on their pages. One particular issue caught my eye.

As far as Ive found there are 9 different documented versions of Joseph Smith's First Vision. I had never read about this, so I used FAIR.org, the LDS apologetic website, to help educate me. 

I was pretty shocked to read that the first written documentation of the First Vision was recorded by Joseph Smith in his journal in his own hand writing. in 1832.

  At LDS.org, the official website for the church, they provide a link to primary source documents that belonged to Joseph Smith. You can read his journal entries and letters. The LDS church also says that his journal entries are in his hand writing.


http://josephsmith.net/josephsmith/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=6c8fd2efbece4010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&exhibit=551808961ece401008961ece401059340c0a____

For a person who tries to use primary source documents when doing research, this was an incredible source for me. I was able to read Joseph's entry, in his own hand writing.

However, what I read really angered and shocked me.

Joseph Smith records in his own hand writing that he saw Jesus when he was 16.  You can go to the website and read the journal entry yourself. His journal was scanned and put on this website.

This is NOT what Mormons are taught when they learn about the First Vision. Mormons are taught that Joseph Smith was 14 and he saw God and Jesus as two separate and distinct personages.

I wondered why members of the church aren't told about this. So, I called my Mom to tell her what I found. She told me that she found out this several years ago by our cousin. I was surprised that this information didn't bother her. After all, my mom relies on primary source documents every day when she does genealogy. 

I read what LDS scholars had to say about the different First Vision accounts. They say that the accounts don't differ that much from each other. However, if you read the accounts for yourself, it is plain to see a huge difference.
The LDS church is based on the claim that Jospeh Smith saw God and Jesus, as two separate beings.
This is a huge difference in doctrine from other Christian churches.
Ive also asked myself why Joseph Smith would give different accounts of what he saw to his scribes in the years following the 1832 journal entry.

The answer is, I don't know why anyone would change a story about seeing God and Jesus.
Some scholars say that Joseph Smith may have forgotten details of the Vision early on and then later he remembered the details and so that's why the story changed.

However, I am a pretty rational person. IF I saw God and Jesus, and I couldn't write down what I saw because I was illiterate,  then 12 yeras later, I'd still remember what I saw because...this is God and Jesus we're talking about.
You're not asking a person to recall who they ate dinner with 12 years ago on a spring day.
When people experience dramatic events, they normally don't forget key details like, who was there and what happened.
Personally, I can remember dramatic events that happened to me 15 years ago. And those events don"t even come close to seeing God and Jesus.

There were other primary source documents that I read in the meantime, but reading this journal entry of the First Vision and the weak explanations from LDS scholars is what lead me to decide to leave the LDS religion.

After 35 years of being raised in a religion that I truly believed was the only true church, I felt betrayed, lied to, angry, heart broken and completely lost. I no longer trusted that the LDS church was telling me the truth about the origins of their doctrine.

What I find most interesting is that Mormons aren't bothered when they read the 1832 journal entry of the First Vision. They make justifications and  excuses and rationalizations for a man that they have never met. However, if I was to take your journal after you die, and say "Oh, she couldn't have meant those words, we'll just disregard that." Then, I think you"d probably roll in your grave.
The question is: How sacred is your journal to you?
How sacred are your own words to you?
If you don't mean what you say in your journal, then why keep a journal at all?

I had to stop and apply my own feelings about my journal to that of what Joseph Smith wrote.
He gave multiple accounts of a vision from God, so is Joseph Smith a credible person?

I've written down this particular journey and emailed it to many people. The story of my  journey hasn't changed. I don't have to change it, nor will I. 

This is the kind of honesty I expect from a man that I would call a prophet.  There is no honesty in the man Joseph Smith. He lost his creditability as a person and a prophet in the different documentations of the First Vision.


This was the pinnacle in my journey. I knew that I still believed in God and Jesus. I still felt the Holy Ghost in my daily life and had several wonderful experiences of feeling God's love for me as I made the choice to leave this religion.

However, the next step of actually leaving my religion would be real test of my strength and courage.

new life

It's been a long time since my last post. I keep busy these days with my Gluten Free blog, school, work and my new life.

People say something monumental will happen in 2012. The world might end, etc 
For me, I believe that Ive already experiences something monumental in 2012. 

Since everyone likes to know how a story began, I am going to tell you.

It seriously began for me in Spring 2009. This is when I went to the LDS temple and got endowed. This ceremony is one of the most special and sacred experiences that Mormons experience in their faith. I was committed, spiritually prepared and ready to make this step in my faith. I was in my 30's and single. I didn't have any other reason to go through the temple for this ceremony. For example, I wasn't getting married or going on a mission.
I did this of my own agency and choice. I took the classes (two times) that LDS members are supposed to take before going through his temple ceremony.

However, what occurred to me during the temple ceremony was something I wasn't prepared for.

During a certain part of the ceremony, I suddenly got a very uncomfortable/ "not right"/ strange feeling. I pushed it back in my mind and justified it as "Well, this is my first time and there's a lot to learn and understand in the temple."

However, what occurred over the next couple of years surprised me. When I went back to the temple to perform this ceremony for deceased relatives, I had the EXACT same uncomfortable, "not right", feeling at the EXACT same point in the ceremony. 

Again, I pushed these feelings aside. I didn't record these feelings in my journal, nor did I tell anyone about these feelings.

Now fast forward to February 2012. A member of my family confided in me that they didn't want to go to church anymore. This shocked and confused me, more than it upset me. It caught me completely off guard. I respected this person due to their level-headed, rational, research based intelligence and personality. I asked for reasons why and was given a short list of their reasons for leaving church. I DID NOT look up their reasons, but continued to pray for understanding as to how to deal with my feelings of this news.

A month went by. I continued to talk to this family member and when I wanted to, I asked for more of their reasons, but I never looked into their reasons as to why they wanted to leave the LDS church.
Then in April, right before Easter, I was having lunch with this family member and another friend.
I listened as they talked about uncomfortable and upsetting things that happened to them in the LDS temple. I only listened, and when they were done, I decided to share with them about the feelings I had during the temple endowment session. 

After I told them about my uncomfortable and "not right" feelings during the endowment session in the temple., I told them that I believed that my religion should not make me feel uncomfortable. While they agreed with me, they didn't push me or influence me. Our afternoon together ended and I went home.

That night I decided to start praying to ask God why I had these feelings, Where did they come from?  I wanted an answer from God because I knew that only God would be unbiased towards me. I knew from past experiences that God had answered my prayers during crucial times in my life. 
I was very scared to ask because it meant that I was willing to open myself up to whatever answer I received from God. I chose to be vulnerable.
 
I had been praying in earnest for 4 days when suddenly on the 4th day, I woke up during the night with a high temperature. My temp. was 101 and I never got fevers like this. This resulted in me staying home from work the next day. When I got out of bed in the morning and was walking to my kitchen, this sentence randomly came into my head, "Remember someone told you that Joseph Smith was a Freemason."

Ohhkayy....

This, to me, was the answer I was praying for. I immediately went to my computer and started looking into Freemasons. I didn't know much about them, their organization, when they started, where they started, how they started, why they started or what their rituals were.

Now, let me stop here and explain something......

I am a Grad student in my 2nd year. I am getting my Masters in Education. I have two Bachelor's Degrees. Suffice it to say, I do have some experience in doing academic research. In Grad programs, you are expected to do your own research , but also read research and find primary source material whenever possible to back up your work.

I am also a direct descent of Brigham Young through his 2nd wife, Maryann Angel.
I always prided myself on my ancestry and I always believed the LDS church was true. These two facts about me influenced how I decided to proceed  in finding out why I had uncomfortable feelings during the temple endowment ceremony. I took my faith in God and Jesus seriously, but I also realized that my faith (which is based on feelings) would not help me to come to an unbiased conclusion. So, I used the skills I had been taught in my education on how to try and gather research using primary source material and reading both sides of any arguments I would come across.

During my research, Never once, did I go to any of the websites that are run by ex Mormons. I didn't go to my Bishop or Stake President either. I didn't want to be influenced by people who knew me or from strangers who had already decided to leave the religion. I also wanted to stay focused on the feelings that initiated this search especially since those feelings had remained unchanged for 3 years. Again, I knew that a person's feelings about something doesn't prove facts that exist outside of themselves. All I knew was that the feelings I had during the temple endowment session was something that was very unexpected for me and they didn't coincide with other feelings that I had (that the church was true). 


This was why is became important for me to start researching the origins of the church doctrine and also look at historical church documents and primary sources. For people who are born into the church, they don't usually do extensive research into these topics. The reason is, they've been told that the church is true from as early as 18 months, when they begin nursery at church.  I was 35 when I began my search, which means that for 33.5 years I had been told on an almost daily basis that the religion I was born into was the only true religion. If I had been introduced to the church as a young adult, then I would have researched the church out and been able to come to my own conclusion without any bias from my own feelings, or from family, friends, or church teachers.

So, after researching Freemasons, I went on FAIRLDS.org.   I wanted to read what LDS scholars had to say about the connection between Freemasons and the LDS temple. I read what they said about Joseph Smith becoming a Freemasons. They said he became a "Master Mason" in 1842.

 http://www.fairlds.org/authors/misc/ask-the-apologist-similarities-between-masonic-and-mormon-temple-ritual


I didn't know what a "Master Mason" was, so I looked it up and I found a script of the Master Mason Ritual from 1866. I read the script and was shocked to find so many similarities between it and the LDS temple ceremony.

The Master Mason ritual is fashioned after an event that Masons believed happened to Hyrum Abiff. According to the Bible, a stone mason named Hyrum Abiff was in charge of the stone masonry for  King Solomon's temple. Masons believe that this stone mason was privy to ceremonies that priests of King Solomon performed in the Holy of Holies- inside King Solomon's temple.
The Master Mason ritual is done to initiate a Freemason into the higher order of Freemasonry as a "Master Mason".
Words, hand shakes, objects and clothing of this Freemason ritual are very similar to the LDS endowment ceremony. Specifically, all of the hand shakes done in the LDS endowment ceremony are also found in the Master mason ritual.
Per LDS scholars, Mormons believe that over time, the rituals and ceremonies done in King Solomon's temple (that Hyrum Abiff was made privy to) were  PERVERTED over time. The belief is that when Joseph Smith received the Priesthood and later the endowment, the true knowledge that Hyrum Abiff was privy to,  was supposed to be the "correct" ceremony.

However, in my mind, I found a problem with this belief.
Joseph Smith was given the priesthood in 1829 in Pennsylvania.  Joseph Smith became a Master Mason in 1842.  So, that means that Joseph Smith participated in the Master Mason ceremony 13 years after he had received the priesthood. Then, shortly after his initiation into Master Mason, the endowment ceremony was taught to LDS male members. 
  If the Master Mason ritual, passed down over time through Freemasons, from Hyrum Abiff was PERVERTED over time, then why would Joseph Smith become a Master Master IF he already had the "true power" (the priesthood). Why would Joseph Smith need to learn anything from a "Perverted" Freemason ritual if Joseph Smith was receiving revelations from God?
 Wasn't Joseph Smith's association with that organization tainted since the organization of Freemasons used "Perverted" rituals?

LDS scholars say that the ritual ceremony found in the LDS temple is NOT the endowment, but a means for members to receive the endowment.   I agree.
However, the ritual is the vehicle for obtaining the endowment. If the LDS temple ritual is fashioned after a perverted vehicle ,with hand signs that are exactly the same, very similar wording and clothing, THEN it must be concluded that ritual is tainted, or has the appearance of perversion.

Here's an analogy for you:  If my religion teaches me not to drink alcohol and that the "appearance" of alcohol is bad, then it would not be appropriate for me to use Rum extract in a cake recipe. The Rum extract is not alcohol, it only makes the cake taste like Rum. If I don't want others to think I am putting Rum in my cake and therefore give the appearance that I am breaking a rule in my religion, then I shouldn't even put Rum extract in the cake. LDS leaders have counseled their members again and again to "avoid the appearance of evil".

Therefore, if a religion says that an outside organization's ritual has been perverted over time, then why would their prophet join this organization? Doing so gives off the "appearance of evil" much like the Rum flavoring in the cake gives off the appearance of using alcohol.

If God wanted to endow members of His church with sacred blessings, powers and knowledge to use in the hereafter, then isn't God also capable of reveling a METHOD for doing so in which the Method doesn't mirror a ritual that the religion deems as being "perverted"?

Here is a good site for a side by side comparison of the 1820's Freemason ritual with Pre-1940's LDS temple endowment.
http://packham.n4m.org/mason-endow.htm
 
It was this discovery that was the answer to me as to why I felt uncomfortable and had that "not right" feeling during the endowment ceremony.


And this is what started my research....